ReMindEd   •   March 6, 2017

In following up from last week’s blog on relationships and fighting the battle that counts, the one fought together, alongside each other, it makes sense to talk about what is actually involved in creating positive change.

If you’re not happy change something.

As we’ve all heard, the well-known definition of insanity is: doing the same thing and expecting a different result. We tend to laugh at that, yet do it more than we care to admit. I think it has something to do with our desperation for change, to keep trying what we’ve tried even though it hasn’t worked yet…the idea that it’ll be all for nothing if we don’t see it work, because we’ve tried for so long, surely it’s got to work soon…?! We often get so caught up in the act of trying that we forget what it’s even for, what we are wanting. Or we can’t actually put it into words.

The metaphor I use to illustrate this with couples, is the movie scene where the woman is sitting in the edge of the bed crying, the guy stands in the doorway of the room and says “what do you want?” as he starts to approach her. She responds with “get away from me”, to which he walks out. She then calls after him, “don’t leave me”…

The first step is understanding what you want. 

We all know we have needs, but can we actually identify these and put them into words. Too often we can’t. Yet we expect our partner to know us enough to just know, yet we often don’t know ourselves. There’s some great templates out there to help identify this, the most simple is ‘the five love languages’, check it out online for a quick survey to identify the order of your five love languages. Get your partner to do theirs also. Often we do for others what we want for ourselves, but if they have a different order, our attempts to show them love are not received and we wonder why.

The second step is to identify what your partner can do to meet your needs. 

What is it that you are expecting your partner to do? No matter how long you’ve been together, if you can’t identify how your own needs can be met, your partner also can’t. Unless you tell them. Most couples I work with genuinely want to meet the needs of their partner, they just don’t know what to do. So work out what you need and what will meet these needs, and tell them. The actual, practical things you want them to do that show you love, make your soul smile, help you have more time and less stress.

You’ll be surprised how willing your partner will be to do what you need when it is clear.

And the final step in this three step process is the results one.

The final step is, how will you measure change. 

What is it that you will notice, what does the change look like, what will have changed. This step is important. So often we focus on the negative and the what’s-not-being-done that we don’t notice when it has changed. So be clear. How will you know a change has been made? What will that look like.

And remember, lasting change takes time to become habit, so they may get it for a week and fall back into their previous ten year habit…that’s ok. Just gently remind them how much you appreciated their effort to change last week, and remind them what they can do to meet your needs again.

We all need gentle, loving reminders.

Also, you are partnered, so maybe do this together so it’s not all effort of one person and not the other. Walk this journey of restoration together. You’ll be surprised how easy the work is.

It’s light work. Light work. Shining light on dusty corners of your heart and your patner’s, on the cobwebs in your relationship. Light work. Exposes the darkness. And it’s not hard. Truth rarely is.

After all, it’s not hard, but it does take work. 

Towards restoration and light, 

Sal

@remindedmind

#alwaysforfreedom #bravenewyear