ReMindEd   •   July 25, 2017

BRAVE. The concept of brave has always been one close to my heart. And not for the reasons you may think.

My earliest memories are ones of being afraid. Of looking out a window and feeling scared, with no memory remaining of what I was looking at. Of overhearing conversations from around a corner and knowing I was too young to be hearing it, with all content of those conversations gone. Of having an understanding about the world that most under five year olds would not have.

Before I was five, I lived in suburban Melbourne with my parents and younger siblings. Although I have some great, fun memories of that time, of the beach, of seeing extended family and of meeting my siblings after they were born, the majority of that time my subconscious was laying down truths about myself, about the world, and about myself in the world. Before the age of seven, research shows, 90% of our foundational truth is laid down in our subconscious. These beliefs become the foundations we build our lives upon. Statements we believe to be true. These become our truths.

Most of this is done subconsciously, as in, we don’t have conscious knowledge of it. Our mind decides what is true, based on the belief we lay down after experiences. Once the belief is laid down, that seed draws the same meanings from other experiences to water that seed as true. Over time, that one seed may have been watered hundreds, thousands of times. The more water, the stronger the tree that grows. Trees of truth.

Statements we believe to be true, become our truth.

Some of these trees are great. Founded on something positive, something helpful, drawing reaffirming positive water from situations to strengthen that seed of belief as true. Those seeds grow into great trees. Like the belief that I am loved. If that is the first seed that plants, the seed will draw to it water that reaffirms that as true. When someone safe tells me they love me, when I am held by someone I love, when I am comforted by a kind word. Loved. Now when life happens, my subconscious will see situations from this foundational truth. Even when something happens that seems the exception to that truth, my subconscious holds fast to what I already believe, and the many affirmations of that truth already experienced. In this way, something contradictory happening may challenge my version of truth, but if the truth is strongly planted, it will not be replaced even when shaken.

If however, something contrary happens enough, the foundations will be shaken out, and a new truth may perhaps plant in its place. If this happens to a helpful seed enough or if the shaking is traumatic enough, it may just uproot the previously planted truth seed and plant in its place an unhelpful one. This then draws water unto itself from situations that happen, confirming it as true and strengthening the planting. If watered enough, this unhelpful seed will grow into a tree and produce unhelpful truth. We recognise these as ‘bad habits’, negative thoughts, patterns that cycle around in our behaviour that we wish weren’t there… unhelpful fruit.

Unhelpful seeds, when watered as true, grow unhelpful fruit.

Too often, people work out ways to pull the unhelpful fruit off. Whether it be through ‘bandaid’ Solutions such as therapy that makes us feel better for a short time, or coping strategies such as addictions, distraction, busyness or ignorance. These may provide some relief, but nothing that is lasting, simply because the tree is still there: it will eventually grow fruit again.

If the unhelpful tree is still standing, it will re-grow its unhelpful fruit.

This is why a lot of therapy works for a period of time, but eventually, we are back to previous behaviours, thoughts, mindsets and emotions. This is also why medication may provide some relief, but eventually, it will stop working as our tree responds by strengthening itself as true: growing bigger fruit.

If you are going to take medication, please do therapy as well.

Some people do need medication to level their minds out enough to be more able to do the therapeutic work. This should be the only reason anyone takes it. If the therapy is working well, you won’t need the medication for long.

There is mental health condition that requires life-long medication. None.

There is always therapeutic work that can be done to eradicate mental illness. Always. 

The reason we call it ‘therapeutic work’, is not because it’s hard work, but because it should work. If it doesn’t, it’s just therapeautic chirk*.

(*chirk: verb: make a shrill creaking, squeaking, or noise, as of a door, mouse, or bird). 

We are always fighting a battle. Within our minds. For control of our thoughts. For regulation of our emotions. To choose to respond rather than react. It’s a fight. But it  needn’t be hard.

The weapons we fight with need to be hard. The battle needn’t be.

What is in your artillery? Do you know what your armery contains? You can learn to choose to fight with the weapons that are easy for you to carry and work within your skill set to yield. Perhaps the battle is hard because you are not using the weapons required to fight your battle. That’s what therapy should be doing: helping you to learn the strategies to fight your battle easily and once and for all.

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it (Margaret Thatcher), but the fight can be won once-and-for-all (Sally Harvey).

As a therapist for over ten years, I wouldn’t do this job if I thought it didn’t actually work. I’m not into bandaids for wounds. I’m also not into picking off scabs from wounds, or delving into the past to bring up what caused scars. None are necessary. None are helpful.

What I am into is freedom. What I want to find is your strengths and goals. What I want to teach you is how to be brave, how to face fears and challenge unhelpful truths. What I want you to know is your value, worth and identity. What I love to see is people walking out of my mind health clinic free and calm and with a sound mind, regardless of how they walked in. And it happens everyday. All the time. It can happen for you also.

Last week the news broke of the suicide of Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park. Reports say he had a long fight with alcohol and drug addiction, had been through relationship breakdowns, had sought help to calm his mind. He didn’t win his fight. We are left to ask why?! Surely he had access to world-renowned therapists?! He had millions of dollars, fame, friends, family. What hope do we have if he didn’t have any?!

That’s the point. He had no hope. And I’m so sorry he didn’t find rest here. But he could have had he stayed. Now he won’t have that chance. We say ‘rest in peace’, having no idea if peace is what he has found now.

You can rest in peace here.

Chester could have found peace here. I wish I could have told him that. I wish someone had.

Everything is braveable. Sometimes staying here is the bravest decision we can make. And we may need to fight the battle to stay alive more than once, maybe everyday. For a while. But not forever. Your once-and-for-all may be tomorrow! Stay. Live. Find life. Peace can be found and held here. Stay to find it.

Be brave. Take the step. Book the session with a therapist who speaks the same as this. Who promotes hope. Who believes in freedom. Your tomorrow will be glad you did today!

Braving life with you,

Sal