ReMindEd   •   February 26, 2017

I usually write about mind health and freedom of thought and emotions, but thought I would speak about something a little different this week. I am writing to all those people who are within a relationship. Possibly because I’ve been away from my husband for three days as I flew up the coast for work, and I miss him terribly!

Relationships. As I often say to couples I am sitting with in therapy, it is bizarre that we think, taking two completely different and seperate individuals and throwing them into a life together, could work. Yet it can. And not just that it can work, but that is can be incredible! If it wasn’t possible, no one would bother trying, and I certainly wouldn’t waste my career pretending I could help people get there.

And where even is there?

In a therapeutic sense, the goal isn’t perfection.

The goal is: better more often than not.

And we can be bold enough to expect that we each deserve a better far more often than not type of relationship. We do intrinsically know this, after all, no one would expect more if they didn’t think more was possible, that they were deserving of being treated well and being happy, and that anything less than that isn’t comfortable to settle for.

Anyone who has settled in a relationship that doesn’t fit our above goal knows how discontentment feels…it usually reminds us at around 2am on a Sunday night…!

So if we don’t cope well with settling, if discontentment reminds us that it could be better or that there could be more than this, if we know inside us that this isn’t what we signed up for, what do we do instead?

For some, we think the only two options we have are settling: the ‘I’ve made my bed and I’m going to lie in it’ speech, or leaving completely. Which, interestingly, fits within the trauma response of flight or freeze.

But what if there was another option?

There’s always another option….

Within the model above, the third response is fight. We tend to think about that as fighting against our partner, fighting for our rights, that there is a battle and it’s hard, that there’s a cost, and that whoever has the biggest gun wins. And we wonder why our relationship isn’t better when we both approach it like that…

I’d like to suggest a different definition of fight: 

What if, instead of fighting against our partner, we fought with our partner.

With: towards the same goal: alongside: as a partnership within the battle. Is that not why we got into a relationship to begin with- to stand alongside someone who had your back and you having theirs, to fight against everything else together.

When did you lose your together? 

We are clearly fighting the ‘wrong’ battle… When did your partner become the enemy? Have your become theirs?

In all the years I’ve been doing couples counselling, let me tell you, make sure you are fighting the correct battle. An easy way to know is to ask: who are you fighting? What are the issues, what has happened to you, to them, since you started having issues? And the answer to that question will vary between couples, but the one of three themes won’t: 1- you’ve hurt them; 2- they’ve hurt you; or 3- something external has hurt you or them.

If one of you has done something that has hurt the other, stop doing that thing, apologise by being truly sorry (by stopping that thing), and walk towards your restored relationship (by not doing that thing ever again, and proving your trustworthiness in that area) (see last week’s blog for hope towards restoration if you can’t see any right now, and get into therapy if you aren’t already). And I’m referring to things like: an affair, domestic violence, an addiction that negatively affects the other person, abuse or neglect, or the refusal to acknowledge issues or accept responsibility for your own choices.

If something you have done has hurt your partner, stop doing it, apologise, and walk towards restoration.

(It is worth noting here, that if both of you are not willing or able to stay together due to something that has happened, or if you or them won’t acknowledge and stop the hurtful behaviour, you can walk towards your own restoration, without them. The aim is valuing yourself enough to be treated well, loved and be happy. If you can’t do that within your relationship, don’t. Please seek professional help for personalised support and advice tailored to your circumstances).

If something external has hurt one, or both, of you, and I mean: another person’s actions or choice which has impacted on you, or a random ‘life’ thing like: loss of job, change in income, stress from outside your marriage, a death or change that was beyond your control, an illness or diagnosis, you have a decision to make…

How will you choose to respond?

When something is outside of your control, you can’t change that thing having happened, but you can choose your response to it.

Where to now? What do you choose to do? What can you do to get through this? How can you be restored?

Great relationships are possible. And they are worth fighting for. But each person needs to be fighting the same battle, the one fought alongside each other.

If only one of you is trying, it won’t work. It needs to be a goal you both share and each playing an equal role within achieving that goal. In that sense, great relationships take two. You can’t make it great on your own. Neither can your partner.

Great relationships are forged together: two people walking together, alongside, hand in hand, fighting with each other against the world and what it may throw at them. Relationships fail when those two people fight against each other.

Choose your battle. It’s you and your partner against the world, not you and your partner against each other. It simply won’t work otherwise.

And it’s okay to need some help. We all can get stuck in a pattern that isn’t working and be unable to work out our own alternative. After all, if you could have worked it out, wouldn’t you have by now?!

That’s where couples therapy can work brilliantly. Go and find someone you both connect well with, that doesn’t take a side, and that looks for truth. The goal needs to be restoration, whether of your relationship or of yourself. Find a safe space to speak about issues, to address topics that you haven’t been able to get to at home, and learn new ways of communicating better.

If you are sick of being stuck here, you need to learn how to become unstuck.

Great relationships don’t just happen. They are forged with hope, desire and an intention to make it great. You each deserve to be happy, to have more great times than not, to be safe and free to be yourself, to be encouraged and uplifted towards your own devopment. If not, what’s the point of that?

I will blog post two around this next week.

Hope that has encouraged you to reflect on your relationship this week. You deserve a great one!

Towards more better more often than nots,

Sal

#alwaysforfreedom #bravenewyear

@remindedmind