ReMindEd   •   May 20, 2017

I have spent the last few weeks watching the very popular Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why. 

All I can say to the producers is, ‘Thankyou for being brave enough to show truth, to force us to see the all-too-hidden, always-confronting issue of suicide in a graphic way, to shock people into the reality of high schools and the world our teens live in everyday. To do so in a less confronting way would be an injustice to those the story was for. May your message, as is mine, be clearly seen and loudly heard’:

#mayyoustay

This blog has been in my heart and hand for years, awaiting the right time to publish it, to find the moment it’s release would have the most impact. That moment, thanks to the show, is now.

So here is the first of my responses to ’13 Reasons Why’. I will publish three more responses over the next two weeks, so watch for those.

It of course makes sense to start by addressing young people who may see similarities in themselves and their lives to Hannah, the main character of the show. Because I have worked with many Hannah’s in my career. So to you, who may feel like Hannah, and to Hannah, here are 13 reasons to stay:

1. You are more than your pain.

I am so sorry that things have happened in your life that have not been fair; things that others have said that were unkind; things that have hurt you; things causing you pain, even now. As much as that pain feels overwhelming and all-consuming, your pain is not you. You are not what has happened to you. You are more than your pain. For even amongst the darkest day, light can still peek through the clouds; through the heaviest of storms, palm trees still stand. You are more than your pain.

2. There are good guys in this world

The commonality amongst us humans is that we all have a dark side, from where insecurities speak as bullying words, from where we act before we think. It’s no excuse, and there is no justification for hurting others, but there is context. Hurt people hurt people. And they shouldn’t, and I’m sorry they hurt you. Don’t let their words and actions change how you see yourself or the world. There are still good people who are kind more often than not. Find those people who speak life into you. Find your Clay. And run to that person, not away from them.

3. Seeking help can be helpful

Unlike the appalling example of teachers and counsellors in the show, some of us are actually helpful. Keep seeking help from trusted adults until you find someone who actually knows how to properly help you. We do exist. We may not understand what it feels like to be you, but we can still help.

4. Any sexual contact not consented to is assault and it is not your fault

This one breaks my heart the most. The over-sexualisation of women in our society is horrific, as is the pornographic industry feeding the demand for human trafficking and sexual slavery. Rape culture and ‘slut shaming’ (sorry Aussies, this is how it is known in America) is unacceptable and I’m so sorry if you have experienced this. Like reason number 3 above, find a trusted adult to tell who will support you through the healing process of this. You are not to blame, regardless of what you were wearing or what you had to drink.

5. There are people in your life who love you, even if they are busy or distracted, or haven’t noticed how you are.

Life is full. It gets busy. People may stop noticing how you are going or forget to listen to your answer to their quick, instead-of-saying-hello question, ‘how are you?’ Busy doesn’t mean they don’t love you or don’t care. No-one’s life will be better without you. You haven’t let anyone down enough to need to die.

6. The rumours aren’t true.

Whether rumours are about you or someone else, they are not true. Otherwise they’d be called facts not rumours. And no one ever talks about facts because facts are boring! Even if people believe it, it doesn’t make it true. Don’t let other people’s ideas about you influence what you know to be true about you.

7. Your story deserves to be told.

You have a story. And your story matters. It deserves to be told. But there are other ways to be heard than making tapes for people to hear after you’re dead. I would have listened to the tapes if you were still alive Hannah. 

“It feels like nothing. A deep, endless, always black nothing. And it looks like nothing”. Hannah said this in episode 12. Suicidality often does look like nothing. If you are suicidal, depressed, anxious or worrried about keeping yourself alive, make it look like something. Reach out. Seek help. Tell your story to someone. There are people who will make sure you don’t walk through this alone.

8. Your story is still being written.

Even the best stories have crappy chapters. But we don’t stop a movie after the sad scene…we watch until the end. Because it always gets better. If it’s not a great ending yet, it’s not the end. Don’t stop your story here. Keep reading. The next chapter is coming. And it may just be great!

9. There are easy and quick solutions for big problems.

This is the thing I love helping people with most. Real, practical, helpful ways to change what is happening now into something better. No matter how big this issue is now, it won’t always be as big as this. And there are easy ways to hurry the process along. To cope with it now. To get through this into something better. It may not feel like it will get any better, but it will. There are always other choices to stop the pain. Death is never the necessary or only option left.

In the final episode, Hannah talks through her Reasons, the things that happened to her, the people involved. She says, “They broke my heart. They broke my reputation. They broke my spirit. Then they broke my soul”. I wish I could have told Hannah, “Those things can all be restored. Don’t let it take your life too”. 

10. You will get through this.

I have worked with people through the most horrific things having happened to them. You will not be stuck here forever. You can get through this. Everything changes. It wasn’t always as crappy as this was it?! In the same way, it won’t always be like this. Things will change for the better. There is a future where you are happy. Choose to be here to see it.

11. Don’t let fear win.

Any issues we face start with and continue due to fear: whether theirs or ours. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection, fear of not being liked, fear of not liking ourselves, fear of emotions, fear of truth, fear we deserved it, fear it might happen again, fear of fear. Fear likes us to think it’s really big and all consuming and that it’s whispers are true. It’s actually not. Fear is a liar. Fear is a feeling. Brave is a choice. Choose brave.

12. There is always hope

I’m sorry things have happened. I know it feels like it can never get better again. It can and it will. There is no version of your life where things don’t get better than this. Except one. If you choose to end your life, your life will have only got to this crappy part. And that need not be your ending. Stay. I really want you to be here when things start to change for the better; to see people’s faces when they realise how they have hurt you; to know how special you are to people in your life; to do exciting things like travel, trying something new, finding a new friend or lover, finding out something else you love doing…I could keep going. Life moves quickly. You can get through this. You will get through this. May you stay to see it!

13. You are worthy of love

I saved the biggest reason to stay until the end. You are worthy of love. The one commonality amongst suicidal minds is this: they believe they are unworthy of love. Love from others and love towards themselves. That, after all, is fear’s goal: to kill love. And because each human being can be love, its goal is to kill you. Don’t let fear win. Your life is too high a price to pay for any amount of things that have happened to you. Be love. Seek help to learn ways to love yourself, to love life, and to be reminded that you are incredible, amazing, unique, needed here, and loveable. For you are love. And you can choose to stay here for longer to give yourself more time to realise this as truth. You’ll need to be brave. You’ll need to fight for truth. There is a war for your life. You are worth fighting for. You are worthy of love. And life. And a great, exciting, adventure filled life, with way more great times than not. #mayyoustay to live it!

Fighting for your life,

Sally

If you need help in the fight for your life, please seek help. Here is a list of places to start (in Australia):

www.reminded.com.au

@remindedmind

Acute care team: 1300 MH CALL

Suicide call back: 1300 659 467

Life line: 13 11 14

Kids help line: 1800 551 800

In an emergency, please call 000

#mayyoustay is the annual, month-long campaign run throughout May across many social media platforms by Reminded. With a holistic High School based program about to be launched, #mayyoustay will equip students, parents, and teaching and wellbeing staff in living awareness, suicide prevention, positive cultural change and effective help seeking to actually save lives and reduce suicide for our young people.

Reminded is a mental health organisation started by Grant and Sally Harvey, with a mind health clinic in Coolum Beach, Queensland, Australia, and the branding behind several group work projects, mental health presentations and publications throughout Australia.